IRL Tips Brought to You by 4.20
Now that we no longer have shutdowns and mask mandates to hide our introverted (read: I don’t like people anymore) selves behind, we thought we’d turn to our old pal cannabis to help us navigate the wild world that awaits us. These five tips are not a replacement for real therapy (because that shit was traumatic AF), but rather a primer on how to get back in the saddle called IRL.
- Puff puff pass is no longer a thing. You’re going to need to pull up and BYOW.
- You will still want to be careful about who you let into your bubble, not out of fear of COVID but out of fear of being so annoyed that you move into a self-imposed quarantine just to shield yourself from the bullshit. If you need to take the edge off, pop a gummy any time of the day for that fresh out of fucks feeling.
- Some of us took a long break from having sex with new partners during the pandemic. While becoming an expert at getting yourself off is an essential yet undervalued life skill that will get you through the longest dry spells, you may have forgotten how to give others pleasure. You know what hasn’t changed since the before times? Don’t fuck with a dry pussy. Do not just stick it* in. WE REPEAT: DO NOT JUST STICK IT IN. Your new partner/s will be impressed when you pull out your bottle of Après Delight, pump a few drops on your fingers, and give them the intimate massage they’ve been craving since learning how to make their own sourdough starter.
- Lying on the couch stoned out of your mind, staring at the ceiling, listening to melancholy music, and contemplating the true meaning of life is so 2020. For 2022 (and beyond) you’ll need to ditch the bong and invest in mini pre-rolls to keep the conversations futuristic and flowing.
- Lots of things happened in 2020, including a long-overdue reckoning with racism in the United States. Marijuana is a term rooted in the racism that has led to massive incarceration rates of Black and brown people for non-violent infractions, so we’re not going to use it anymore. If you’re looking for 24 ranked alternatives, you can find them here. We only approve of #1 if you show us the hands while saying it.
We hope that these five tips on how to re-enter the world post-COVID, brought to you by the holiday 4.20, help you ease back into a society ready to throw caution to the wind and make up for lost time like we all have nothing to lose but that social anxiety.
*It can be a penis, a dildo, a vibrator, a few fingers, or whatever else has been holding your pent-up pleasure.